*Inspired by Colbie Caillat’s song Realize
Hey party people!
Happy Monday. Hope you all had the day off and enjoyed a long weekend with the perfect mix of fun and relaxation?
My weekend was awesome-buuuuut boy was it filled with lots of self-control, introspection, and soul searching. Which I will enlighten you all with in a bit.
First, though, anyone else ready to pop bottles simply because it’s September? I know the first day of Fall isn’t technically until September 22, but I just LOVE September all the way through New Year’s Eve.
I am sooooo ready to start eating this with a spoon.
Washed down with pumpkin coffee or pumpkin beer. Duh. Depends on the time of day, I s’pose.
I also love Fall clothes, Fall colors, the changing leaves, the start of holiday season, apples, pears, crans, Brussels sprouts, football season (which means soon Rangers and Knicks will be back in action, too!!!!)… I could really go on forever, so I’ll stop boring you all now over my…obsession.
Anyway, back to this weekend, after I left you on Friday, I went to Whole Foods for a delicious, veggie filled lunch.
Then I explored the Upper West Side some. So in love.
I decided an evening spin class sounded phenomenal.
I thought to myself: “Eek, okay, well this is going to be REALLY ugly-I haven’t spun (spinned?) since… oh no, I don’t even know the last time I went to a class… maybe 6 months? Oh noooooo… well, it’s okay, you’ll be fine, just sit in the darkest part of the room, in the back, blend in, and try to keep your wheezing to an indoor wheeze.”
Well… I *kinda* forgot that everyone in Manhattan would be going to their beach houses one final weekend. Eep.
Yep, it was me and the instructor. So I had my first “private” spin class when I am the most out of shape I’ve been in MONTHS. Read: all summer what I would consider a “good” workout week would be weeks when I would workout…ohhhh…2 times?
Somehow, I survived it, and I had dinner plans with Josh (roommate and friend for new readers), which was definitely motivation.
Well, my inner 300 pound man was present Friday night and he wanted wings and beer for dinner. We went to one of our favorite bars, Lansdowne Road. It’s very Irish, has phenomenal food, maybe the best wings EVER, and is my favorite place to watch sports in our ‘hood.
We watched some of MSU/Boise State game, sipped our beers, and shared some wings.
We then decided it was time to go up on our roof to enjoy the weather and the Blue Moon.
We had a great time chatting and hanging out on the roof and then, like all nights in our apartment (Josh, Justine and I are HUGE music nerds), we headed into our apartment where we drank more beer (Sam Adams Coastal Wheat-SO good!) and TOTALLY geeked out over music for hourssss. It was awesome.
Saturday my somewhat classier and definitely more feminine personality was present, and Justine and I had a sushi and viiiino filled night.
Today was the first day I was actually productive, I did lots of errands and was out and about all day.
My day started with an iced soy cappuccino from my favorite little coffee place EVER, Je & Jo, which is also right across the street from our apartment, which means it’s wayyyy too easy to *need* an iced capp or americano. Like, every day. Apparently I think I’m a boss.
Then I went to Whole Foods for breakfast:
Fage 2% Greek yogurt (have to start my day with protein) and a Vegan Oatmeal Date Scone.
You see how much I just love food? Wings for dinner Friday, Vegan scone for breakfast today. I don’t really discriminate if it’s good quality food. I like it all.
Fage is my absolute favorite Greek yogurt because not only is it the thickest, creamiest yogurt out there, but it has two qualities I love (eh, terrible iPhone pics):
So other than awesome evenings with the Stringers, and lots of downtime and good workouts, I have had 4 days where I could really focus on myself, what I want, and learning to be okay on my own.
Yesterday I celebrated (read: thought to myself: “yayyyyy, Laura, you made a week!”) making my first full week of NO emotional eating since early April.
All summer it was pretty much to the point where I could not go through a full DAY, let alone a week, without eating for an emotional reason (or being tired) rather than being hungry.
Now, for me, emotional eating can be anything from ordering the fattiest, greasiest thing instead of the salad at dinner not because it sounds the best but because I’m a) stressed b) tired c) sad I’m going home alone d) lonely e) all of the above (always “e” the last 4 months) to full blown binge eating to *needing* a cookie the size of my face.
So, as you can see, I can, and do, run the full gamut of “seriousness”. But at this point, this long after starting my blog (May 2011) and figuring out why I have disordered body image, self-esteem, etc. that leads to disordered eating in the first place, I’m not concerned about the “what” or “how much” I’m concerned about the “why”.
So, last Sunday, I told myself: “Laura, you are allowed to let go and move on, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You are allowed to be happy-to do things that make you happy. You are allowed to take time to be completely selfish and to realize that you ARE WORTH IT.”
And guess what? I didn’t emotional eat all week after that.
So when the security guard made the dick comment, I was already 4 days into re-creating myself.
Okay, I know to people who have never struggled with emotional eating 4 days is like whoopdie-fuckin-do. But considering all Spring and Summer I could not hardly make it through a single day, to me it was a big deal. Which is all that matters, anyway.
Good thing too, because despite “my guys” all standing up for me, flooding me with compliments (which 2 of the 4 guys also used the expression “I swear I’m not blowing smoke up your ass” which I of course loved cause that expression is awesome), that comment could have really done a number.
Mentally and emotionally it did, but I was even more determined to focus on eating only when hungry, but eating if hungry (as opposed to trying *not* to eat), eat what I want at (read: I am craving wings), stop when full, and get back to my 80% healthy, 20% not *as* healthy.
Because I know I cannot “give up” my favorite things, which includes chocolate, wings, all things bread, beer, and wine. But I can (and want to!) fill up on foods that make me feel good and are good for me *most* of the time and I’ll be fine. The weight will peel off, slowly (it took months to put it on, gonna take a while to take off, ughhh), and I will be slowly re-creating myself, and my life, with each passing day.
I also now know that I don’t have to kill myself in the gym (while simultaneously severely reducing food) to try to speed up results. I know how to work out, I know how to eat in a healthy, balanced way. I do NOT know how to stop using food as an escape. For that, there is no quick fix. Only hard work, and trust in myself.
Because I AM TAKING TIME TO REALIZE I’M WORTH IT.
There were probably a good 8-9 times the past 4 days where I was thisclose to eating something not because I was hungry, but because I was feeling bad about myself, feeling lonely, feeling bored, etc.
And guess what? EVERY SINGLE TIME I stopped myself with this thought:
“Laura, you are starting a very long and challenging journey and every day you make it through, the closer you will get to where it gets easier. You are not hungry, you want to escape. That’s what you’ve learned to do, but you don’t want that to be life anymore. Feel this emotion, think about the life you WANT and are CAPABLE of creating, and move on.”
The other major obstacle that comes up is catching my reflection and having my initial reaction being SO strongly negative (“Oh em gee I am morbidly obese!!! Fuck it, I need ice cream, it’s too late anyway”) that I have to stop myself with this thought:
“Laura-it has been 8 days where you have eaten like a healthy person, exercised in some form every day, been sleeping well… there is NO way you look worse than you did a week ago when you started. Even if you look the same, you are ON YOUR WAY. THE ONLY PLACE TO GO IS UP.”
And guess what? I get a lot of comfort knowing that I can only look and feel better and better with each passing day.
Sooooo, for the first time since mid-April, I have made a full 8 days of working toward the life, the body, the mindset I want.
But it takes CONSTANT self-awareness. Which is NOT easy.
So, any of you that are struggling to change something in your life, think about what you really want, envision that life, that person you want to become, that body, that job, etc. and focus all your energy on it.
Make it your PURPOSE.
The purpose of life is a life of purpose.
Something to Think:
You are entirely up to you.
Make your body.
Make your life.
~Nike ad that I love
Here’s to a new week. The first week of September! You know I will be working really hard on myself all week-what are YOU going to work on this week??