Holy hell, she does still exist!
I know, I know… not so good at the whole blog thing lately. And by lately I mean… the past half a year. Yikes.
What can I say? Life is beautiful, life is hard, life goes up, life goes down… and, well, while I love life in general-for what it is, for the growth that it’s forced upon me, for the new challenges, for the new people, for the
forced chosen steps bounds out of comfort zone, 2012 has been a really hard year.
Anddd, August, for whatever reason, brought me into a huge slump. The whole month was really mentally, and in turn physically, challenging and, well… I feel like I fell apart. Or was still falling apart. Or am falling apart?
The good news? All my friends I tell out here are like: “what? no way! you seem like you’re doing great”. Which I figure means either a) I’m good at faking it (which I know is true, and also know is not healthy all the time-there’s a time and place) or b) I’m more hard on myself than necessary. Which is also true. Hmmm.
Remember the last time I posted? Neither do I. Okay, that’s a lie. I remember talking about training for a half-marathon because the structure and self-discipline required were going to distract me, heal me, and force me to get into shape physically (and help mentally).
Wellll, guess what? No one said being single after a long time was easy-and you better believe I knew it wouldn’t, but no one said it was would be this hard. Still, still, I am just getting through the day. Every day. Yes, some days are def easier-no doubt about it. But it’s not easy yet. And well, sometimes I want it to be. What can I say? I’m from the “generation of instant gratification”. Or something.
I have days where I workout for 3 hours, weeks where I don’t workout once, days where I don’t eat anything, days where I can’t stop eating, days where I sleep 2 hours (literally), days where I sleep 13…
Clearly, I am not ready for the structure of training for a half-marathon. I’m just trying to keep moving forward, and get a little more structured with life.
Like, oh, I don’t know… working out for 45 minutes 5 days a week, sleeping at least 6 hours (9 would be ideal, but hey, gotta start somewhere), eating regular meals…
Well, I am proud to say that so far this week (3 days!) I have gotten up at 6:00 AM and worked out, I have packed breakfast and lunch, eaten healthy dinners, taken walks when I feel overwhelmed, and consciously told myself things like: “you are not actually hungry-you are feeling an uncomfortable emotion and you want to use food to distract you.” And then I move on.
Or: ” this is just temporary, you feel like you’re not moving forward and healing, but you are-you just want to feel completely healed, which is unrealistic, these things take time.”
Or: “it’s okay to be alone-that’s important and healthy”.
So, yes, last week of August and I am feeling better. Why?
For one thing I told myself (again-but more firmly this time, I really wasn’t listening to myself when I was using my “timid” voice): “Laura-you are allowed to be happy. You are allowed to embrace who you are and what you want.”
And then the world threw a lemon at me yesterday. Meh. Not a huge deal-it’s an important life lesson, it’s an important pain to feel and experience (said lemon), but I was still upset.
Couldn’t sleep last night, but knew I had to get to the gym again this morning-I needed those endorphins to get me through the day and to keep me reminding myself why I deserve to be happy-which means taking care of myself.
So, I took a midday break to go for a walk. I felt physically sick all morning from being upset about…life. And heartbreak. And how freakin’ hard it is to learn to be alone when you’re not used to it. I spent all walk convincing myself that I was okay, that I was going to get healthy and strong, and that I am moving forward and doing well. But, it was honestly one of those “fake it til you make it” kinda days. Still-I was determined.
When I came back from my walk, the security guard called me over to chat. NBD. We’re friends and chat all the time.
But this is what he said: “Laura, you go to the gym right?”
Me: “(in my head: hmmm, he gonna ask me about gym options?”) aloud: “Yeah”
Him: “You know you’ve gained weight, right?”
Me: (in my head: “oh my GOD, I am going to die, I cannot believe he just said that, is there a rock I can crawl under and die? Why is life so hard? Why won’t it get easier??? Why am I not good enough?”) aloud: “Yes. I know.”
Then he said something else (literally have no idea what) and I told him I really needed to get back to work.
I got to my desk and thought I might throw up, I felt so…deflated. Again. Still. Yep, more affirmation that my worth (women’s worth?) is all about “a body” (sorry any male readers, I know this is a gross over-generalization, bear with me…).
One of my friends walked by and started talking and stopped mid-sentence and was like “Oh my God, LJ, what’s wrong?” That’s when I lost it, told him everything, went all Freud and dug up all sorts of past food/comments I’ve gotten/pain/etc.” I was sobbing. Heaving sobs. Awesome. He quickly shuffled me away so no one else would catch on to me falling apart.
I told him that no girl should ever EVER hear that. And that I am especially hard on myself and this is an especially sore subject for me (which he knows already). I told him: “This could trigger something really unhealthy-I now don’t want to eat. Like ever. What the fuuuuck?”
Honestly, if this month, week, year had been easier this comment would have stung, but maybe it wouldn’t have brought me to feeling like “oh my god-this is it, I can’t go on, what am I doing?”
But then I realized-Laura-you’re doing YOU. That’s a good thing. That’s a beautiful thing.
Work is awesome-I’m running ahead with that full force and getting positive/encouraging feedback. And my work is all mine.
I’m learning to be on my own. To love myself (although, ay carumba, that’s a hard, long process).
So you know what? I remembered one of my favorite quotes, introduced by my favorite person in the whole world, it always makes me laugh:
As my slightly insane and perpetually inebriated Aunt Wanda used to say, “When the world hands you lemons, make half a glass of lemonade-then fill the rest up with vodka. Drink it, take off your bra, swing it around your head, and scream at the world ‘fawk YOU world, and fawk your fawking lemons, check out these tits!’ “
So you know what? Life will be shitty. But it will be good. And the pain makes you feel the good that much more.
As for dick comments? Move on. Not worth it.
Easier said than done-but once you think to yourself that you can and will do it, you will. With time you will.
Something to think:
No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.
Hope you all have a great night. Josh just brought me this:
Love my apartment family.